And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
