i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
