the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
