I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
