the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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