I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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