I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I cut my penus on the lid.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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