He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
