I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
