U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
