rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
