Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
