I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
