We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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