I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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