dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
