Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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