I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
