I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
