smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
