just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
