I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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