Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
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Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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