I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
