we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
