just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
