In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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