is your mom at the bar?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
