You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
