I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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