Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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