Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
