Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
