I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My life is pants optional.
I had to cum in my sink.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
