I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
