I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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