I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
