I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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