Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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