Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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