mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
