you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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