Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
