The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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