i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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