she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
