Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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