I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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