if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
