I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
