She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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