I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
