you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
