The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
