I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
