Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
